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  • I'm so old that:
    I have dialed a rotary phone that did not have an answering machine, recorded a song that I love off a transistor radio onto a tape recorder, watched a black and white TV (with less than 10 channels) that had foil on the rabbit ear antennas, taken a long walk without counting the steps, and eaten food that I didn't take pictures of.
  • I thought getting older would take longer.


  • My mouth is like a magician's hat. You never know what is gonna come out of it.
  • I'm old enough to remember when a wild night out meant skating around in circles while a DJ played music.
  • Some of you are too young to know what it feels like to take a ton of pictures then have to wait two weeks to find out they all were bad.
  • Do you ever look at all your kids and think...
    That one will be dropping me curbside at the nursing home.
    That one will be paying for it.
    That one will visit me the most.
    And that one? He'll be sneaking in the good tequila and Twinkies.
  • Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
  • I do not mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
  • Getting older is just one body part after another saying, "Ha, Ha, you think that's bad? Watch this."
  • My mind is like my Internet browser - 19 tabs open, 3 of them are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.
  • Do you ever get up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror and think... "that can't be accurate."
  • I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
  • As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
  • Them: What inspires you to get out of bed every morning? Me: My bladder mostly.
  • Sometimes you might feel like no one's there for you, but you know who's always there for you? Laundry. Laundry will always be there for you.
  • Wouldn't it be nice if you read a medicine bottle that says... "Warning: May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy.
  • My stomach is FLAT. the L is silent.
  • I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!"
  • Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.
  • Everyone my age is older than me...
  • My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment. This is my time to shine.
  • How do you know you're old? People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

Things to Ponder

  • If the No. 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still No. 2?
  • Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
  • Why are you "in" a movie, but "on" TV?
  • What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
  • Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  • Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
  • Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
  • At a movie theatre, which armrest is yours?
  • When does is stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
  • When French people swear do the say "Pardon my English"?
  • Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck?


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